Fullmetal Randomness
by Jedi Knight Cheeze
Summary: A collection of FMA drabbles. Roy messes up a poetry reading, Ed discovers the wonders of chocolate milk, Armstrong gets his sparkles stolen. Slight bashings, slight AU, and slight OOC. Enjoy!
1. Roy visits a coffee shop

**Before we begin, I'd like to clear something up. In the summary, I said this was slight AU. What I mean by that is that I'm not sticking to the storyline of the manga or the anime, and some elements in some of the drabbles may be a little bit of a stretch, like halloween in Central. That kind of thing.**

**Hope you enjoy the first story. With luck, I'll post the next one soon!**

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**Roy visits a coffee shop**

He had been fidgeting for the last half hour. Now, Colonel Roy Mustang nearly jumped into the air when Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye walked into his office and said, "Good morning, sir."

"Uh…good morning, Hawkeye," he responded.

"Are you ok, Colonel? You seem on edge."

"Of course! It's just…I wanted to ask you something."

Hawkeye looked up from the files she had been organizing. "Sir?"

"Well, there's been a lot of stress around here lately, and…I was wondering if you and I could take some time tonight to just relax?"

"Colonel…are you asking me out on a date?"

"Well…yes, I guess that's the technical term."

Hawkeye smiled to herself. "I know the perfect place."

xxxxxxxxxx

Later that night, Roy and Riza sat at a table in a small beatnik-style coffee shop. A waiter had come to the table a few minutes before and taken their orders. Now they waited for the orders to come, while they tried to think of something to talk about other than work. They had just gotten their coffees when one of the owners of the shop walked up to the small stage in the front of the shop and announced into the microphone, "In just a few minutes, we will have our poetry reading, where the young talents of Central will get to show their skills. Oh, and may I remind all customers to snap when the readers have finished. Thank you."

"A poetry reading, huh?" Roy said, "This should be interesting."

xxxxxxxxxx

About ten minutes later, Roy and Riza stood outside of a burning coffee house while its former occupants ran around like headless chickens trying to put out the fire. Riza glanced over at Roy.

"Colonel?"

"Hm?"

"Maybe you should have taken your gloves off before you snapped for the poet."

"Yeah…that probably would have been a good idea."


	2. Gluttony orders fast food

**Gluttony orders fast food**

A black car pulled up to the drive thru of a Juicy Burger fast food restaurant. The employee in charge of the drive thru switched on the speaker.

"Hello, my name is Ken, welcome to Juicy Burger. How may I help you?"

A voice replied back, "Can I eat you?"

Startled, Ken looked at the video feed of the customer in the car. He was fat and bald; he was staring at the intercom, drooling. Gulping, Ken replied, "N-no, I'd rather you not eat me. Would you like a bacon cheeseburger instead?"

"No, I'll just eat you."

"Sir!" Ken said frantically, "This is your last chance to order a meal. May I suggest the _chicken nuggets!?_" The last words came out a barely controlled scream.

"Ok, I'm pulling up now," the customer said with an eerie smile.

Ken broke into a sweat. "Um…um…" He turned around and hollered through the restaurant, "JEFF! _Your shift!_"

Sorry Ken, Jeff's not here today," the manager shouted back, "He was injured in a freak coffee house fire."

"_What!?" _ Ken screamed, feeling faint. Slowly, eyes bulging, he turned to face the window, where the black car was easing its way up the lane. The front window rolled down, and there was the eerie customer, smiling, drooling. Without warning, the man jumped through car window and tried to get through the open restaurant window. Ken screamed and ran away, as Gluttony got stuck in the window, waving his arms and grabbing the air that Ken had been standing in moments before.


	3. What the FMA characters drive to work

**What the FMA crew drive to work**

Ed drives a monster truck. I seriously think he's compensating for something.

Al can't drive, so he's in the monster truck with Ed.

Winry drives a 1917 Ford Model T she saved from the junkyard and fixed up herself.

Roy drives…well, take a wild guess.

Hawkeye drives a hummer. Not a civilian one, mind. An Army one. With guns.

Armstrong drives a Slug Bug. Huh, go figure.

Izumi drives a mini-van. What else would a housewife drive?

Pinako has to drive with Ed and Winry because they only have permits.

Sloth drives a Lamborghini. I think she's compensating for something too…

Lust drives a fancy Italian import car. Can you say, leather seats?

Wrath gets into road rage races so often, he had his car taken away.

Pride is chauffeured around in a well-guarded limousine. Ah, the life of a Fuhrer…

Gluttony doesn't care what he drives, so long as it'll get him to Juicy Burger and back.

Greed doesn't drive anything under 30 grand, and has about 6 different cars.

Envy drives a Ford pickup truck. Built Ford tough? See Ed and Sloth.


	4. Ed practices snake charming

**The story of this came from a Bill Engvall stand-up special, in which he talked about the reason he could never be on Animal Planet. When I told it too WolfChibi-chan and Ma-yonaka14, they mentioned that it was a total Ed moment, and I realized they were right. Thus, this drabble was born.**

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**Ed practices the ancient art of snake charming**

Edward and Alphonse walked down a desolate side road on their way to a small village in the middle of nowhere. Bored out of his wits, Ed was looking everywhere for something to entertain him. His wandering eyes came to rest on something small and scaly on the side of the road. "Hey Al!" he shouted, "A snake!" Al glanced over. "Huh. Yeah, it is." Ed walked over to the snake and promptly picked it up by its tail. "Hey look," he said, "I'm like those nature guys."

"Uh brother, I don't think that's such a good idea…"

Laughing, Ed held the snake up in front of him. "Oh look," he said, adopting a cheesy accent, "It's a beautiful specimen of-"

At this, the snake snapped around and bit Ed. Luckily, the fangs landed on Automail, but that didn't stop Ed from flying into a rage.

"WHY YOU LITTLE SON OF A-"

He threw the snake on the ground and stomped on it repeatedly.

"Brother! What are you doing?!" Al screamed.

Ed ceased stomping and looked from the body of the snake to his brother. He laughed sheepishly.

"Ha ha…it's um…it's sleeping now…"


	5. Colonel Willingham of the Alamo

**Colonel Willingham of the Alamo**

Travis Willingham, leader of the Mini Skirt Army, was signing autographs at a con one day, when one particular fan decided to fill him in on his history.

"Hey Fuhrer Willingham," the devoted MSA member started, "Do you know who the commander at the Alamo was?"

"Huh? Well, I guess I knew once, but I don't really remember-"

"His name was William Travis. Isn't that kinda freaky? I mean, look at your name…"

Travis thought for a moment. _William Travis…Travis Willingham…_

_Whoa._

"And weren't you born in Texas, the state William Travis died protecting at the Alamo?"

"Yeah…"

"And another thing: William Travis died at age 26. How old are you right now?"

"Twenty…six?"

_Alright, this was a little weird…_

"Did you know that William Travis was a Lieutenant Colonel, Fuhrer Willingham? Roy had that same rank at one point, right?"

"Um…"

"And William Travis even had a son. His first name was Charles. His middle name was _Edward_."

"Uh…"

"One last point, Willingham-sama. Your birthday and William Travis' birthday are only 6 days apart: August 3 and August 9."

The fan smiled sweetly. "That's all. Thanks for listening, Fuhrer-sama!" They skipped away, completely unaware of the fact that their Fuhrer was now completely white in the face, staring off into space, not even realizing that there was still a huge line of fans.

_That…was downright freaky…_

* * *

**Everything in here is completely true…or at least based on Wikipedia. Anyone know whether Travis is still 26? If not, sorry. Oh, and it was very, very painful to write Willingham-sama and Fuhrer Willingham so many times. Forgive me, my fellow Rangers!**


	6. Flavored Water?

**Flavored Water?**

Wrath walked up to Sloth one morning and tugged on her sleeve.

"Mommy, you always smell really good. Are you flavored water?"

"No, honey, that's just my perfume."

"Oh…are you sure?"

"Wrath…"

"How would you know!?" Wrath shouted, "You've never tasted yourself!"

And with that he ran off, close to tears.

"What? Wrath, what's the matter?" Sloth called after him. Envy, who had been passing by behind the two, leaned over and whispered, "He must have wanted some flavored water."

* * *

**Not my best, but oh well. Read and review!**


	7. Slurp Slurp, Sloth

**Slurp Slurp, Sloth**

Edward Elric knew that, having created Sloth, it was his duty to destroy her. That time had come. Sloth stood across from him. It pained him to see someone so like his mom look at him with such anger. She spoke.

"I am…going to…kill you…"

She launched herself at him. Ed had already faced Sloth many times, and had never been able to defeat her. But now he had a plan. As Sloth got closer and closer, Ed braced himself-and pulled a bendy straw out of his pocket. Sloth saw this and skidded to a halt, but it was too late-Ed stuck the straw into Sloth's watery form and began slurping hastily.

"W-what?" Sloth said, surprised. She was slowly growing smaller now. "N-nooooooo! Edward Elric! Stop this at once young man!"

"Phooduyufinkyuah,mimom?" Edward said, his words coming out weird thanks to the straw in his mouth. Realizing what he had said, he quickly added, "welltechnicullyyouaresho…"

"Ed, shut up and suck!" Al yelled.

Ed did as he was told, and 3 minutes later there was nothing left of Sloth but a small puddle on the ground. Ed spit the straw out of his mouth. "Well, that was easy."

Al glanced over at him. "Yeah…we probably should have thought of that before…"

XxXxXxXxXx

A week later, Sloth walked into the Homunculi's secret hideaway. She was in a foul mood. The last thing she needed was Wrath coming running up to her, shouting, "Mommy! Mommy! Where have you been?"

"Wrath, Mommy's very tired right now…"

"Mommy! Mommy! Why are you all yellow? It's that a new makeup?"

"Wrath…"

"Ew, that makeup smells really bad, Mommy…where'd you get it, where'd you get it?"

At this point, Sloth couldn't take it anymore. She ran to the nearest closet, shut the door behind her, and screamed as loud as she could, "EDWARD!"

* * *

**Ok, so maybe that last part was a bit disgusting. But hey, you laughed, admit it. Read and review!**


	8. Pride Wants Tea!

**Pride Wants Tea! **

Pride was not in the best of moods.

It was a cold day in the office, too cold for comfort. He shivered and sighed. Oh, that was just perfect. He could see his breath!

Drumming his fingers on his desk, Pride began to think hard. There had to be some way to warm up. An idea struck him. Tea! A nice warm cup of tea can warm anybody. He was just about to make himself a glass when he realized he had no pot to boil water in. Or water, for that matter. What to do now?

"Sir, I'm back," Sloth said walking into the room.

"Oh. Good," He said. Then another idea struck him. "Sloth, I want you to fetch Colonel Mustang and bring him here immediately."

"Yes sir," Sloth said, looking confused. She left the room and came back several minutes later with a very flustered Roy Mustang.

"You wanted to see me, sir?" He said.

"Yes. If you will, please direct your alchemy at my secretary."

Sloth and Roy looked at each other in amazement.

"But sir-" Roy started to argue.

"No buts! And don't you stop until I tell you to!"

Roy reluctantly turned to face the Fuhrer's secretary. He began to snap, and to his amazement, the secretary didn't even seem fazed by the alchemy. The only noticeable effect the alchemy had on her was that after several minutes, it appeared as if she had begun…to bubble.

"Sir, is you secretary boiling?"

"I sure hope so. It's been almost five minutes now, how long does it take?"

As it turned out, it wasn't long after that that Pride yelled, "Stop!" Roy froze, mid-snap. The Fuhrer's secretary was bubbling furiously, and though it was hard to tell, she didn't look happy. Pride walked over to her, stuck a fancy cup into her wavering from, and placed a tea bag into the cup.

"Ah, finally. A cup of tea." He took a big sip…then spat it back out.

"Ew, this is horrible! It almost tastes like…urine!"

Both Sloth and Roy smirked knowingly as Pride continued to spit out his precious tea.

* * *

**Well, he got what he deserved. Poor Sloth. Not the best from me, but I like it. Read and review!**


	9. Ling's Nifty New Trick

**Thanks to my sister for this idea…manga spoilers in this one. **

* * *

**Ling's Nifty New Trick**

"Hey Ed," Ling said, walking up to his alchemist friend, "You wanna see something cool?"

"Uh…sure."

"Ok, check this out: I'm Ling, right?" His expression changed drastically and he smirked. "And now I'm Greed." His face changed again-and again and again and again.

"I'm Ling! And now I'm Greed. Ling, Greed. I'm Ling! I'm Greed. I'm Ling! I'm Greed. I'm Ling! I'm Greed. I'm Ling! I'm Greed…"

This had been going on for a while when Winry walked up behind Ed.

"Uh…Ed? What is he doing?"

"…Hey Winry, can I borrow that wrench of yours for a second?"


	10. Mattress Shopping

**Mattress Shopping**

"Edward?"

Ed turned around to find Colonel Mustang approaching him. He rolled his eyes. "Colonel."

Roy grinned. "Fancy meeting you here. In a mattress shop, no less."

"Well, you'd be surprised what Winry can get me to do when she has a wrench in her hand. What are you doing here?"

"My mattress is so old I can barely sleep on it anymore."

Much to both men's surprise, Havoc walked up behind them. "Colonel, Ed? What are you doing?"

"What does it look like we're doing?" Ed said grumpily, "We're looking at mattresses."

Havoc looked from Roy to Ed, then back at Roy. He whistled. "Wow, Roy…didn't see you as that kind of man."

Roy shrugged. "I asked Riza to do this for me, but she respectfully declined."

Havoc looked at Roy strangely. "Yeah…I would too."

"Why? It's not that bad, miserable as it may seem. Ed's doing it for Winry."

"Ok, you know what? I'll, um…I'll talk to you later, ok?"

It was Ed's snort that made Roy realize what he had said. He went white and raced out of the store, following his subordinate.

"HAAAAAVOC!"

* * *

**Well, hopefully you got the joke. Roy was thinking about mattress shopping, and Havoc…well, Havoc's scarred for life, let's just say that. XD**


	11. Tragic Death Scene

**Tragic Death Scene**

This was it. The final battle for Amestris. Edward Elric and the newly Homunculus-free Ling Yao were ready for battle.

And battle they did.

Halfway through the battle, as Ed and Ling were taking on some nasty Homunculus minions, one of the minions managed to stay alive until the bomb it was holding blew up, sending Ed and Ling flying. As Ed got coughing to his feet, he scanned the area for Ling. He saw him lying on the ground some feet away.

"Ling!"

Ed rushed to his friend's side, who showed no signs of getting up. As Ed kneeled beside his fallen friend, Ling coughed feebly.

"Ling? Are you alright? Speak to me!"

"Ed…" Ling whispered, eyelids fluttering.

"No! No! You can't die! This is all my fault!"

"Ed...come closer…"

Ed did as Ling asked, tears fighting to break through his emotionless mask for the first time in a long time.

"What?" he whispered.

Ling was silent for a second longer, breathing heavily. Then he grinned widely.

"You got anything to eat?"

KLONK

"Dammit, Ling!"

* * *

…**Soo many things wrong with this piece. I used battle three times within three paragraphs, Ed was slightly OOC, the beginning was totally random, and for the record, I have no idea what a Homunculus minion is. But the point of the drabble was the end, so whatever. And I don't even know if this is that funny, it's just something that came to my sister and me the other day that amused me. Um…hope it was ok?**


	12. Miniskirt Military

**Miniskirt Military**

"Ok, I was all for Roy's mini skirt idea, but this is ridiculous."

"Give it a rest, Havoc."

"No seriously, what was he thinking?"

"You're lucky he even let us stay in the military. He was gonna kick us all out, remember?"

"At this rate, I'm gonna quit anyway. I mean, come on. Mini Skirts? On us guys?"

At this point, a certain Homunculus walked past Havoc and Breda.

"Stop your complaining, you two. I happen to like the new rule."

* * *

**I actually wrote this a long time ago, and never posted it because, well, I had no idea why Roy would make miniskirts mandatory on guys. Uh…Riza made him do it? It was necessary for the punch line, people!**


	13. Armstrong Gets His Sparkles Stolen

**Armstrong gets his sparkles stolen**

Edward Elric and his brother were stuck in Mustang's office while Mustang talked them through their latest assignment. Hawkeye looked on, hoping to get the Colonel to do some paperwork after the boys left. And despite Ed's simmering temper, all was relatively peaceful.

Then, Armstrong burst through the door.

"SOMEONE HAS STOLEN MY SPARKLES!"

Silence. Then Ed spoke.

"…Huh?"

"Look!"

Armstrong struck a pose and all four of the room's other inhabitants leaned in for a closer look.

"Well I'll be damned," Roy said, "He isn't sparkling."

"YOU SEE?"

"Alright, calm down, Major Armstrong," Hawkeye said calmly, "Where was the last place you had your sparkles?"

"This is ridiculous," Ed muttered.

"I had them last night! I did a full body workout right before bed and I was sure I had them!"

"Alright, everyone," Roy said, "Let's go look for some sparkles."

As they filed out the door and began to make their way out of the building, Hughes stuck his head out of his office.

"Hey, what's going on?"

"MY SPARKLES ARE MISSING!"

"…What?"

"My thoughts exactly," Ed grumbled.

"C'mon, Hughes," Roy said. "We need all the help we can get."

"…To do what exactly?"

"Find the sparkles."

"…Um, ok. Whatever you say."

And so Hughes joined them as they exited the building and stood outside.

"…What now?"

"I guess we get people to strike poses."

"No, wait! There!"

Hughes pointed to a girl walking across the street. It was hard to see from their position, but she did seem to have a glow about her…

They rushed across the street and confronted the startled girl. She definitely did have a few sparkles floating around her.

"WHY DO YOU HAVE MY SPARKLES?" Armstrong asked sadly.

She looked at him incredulously. "YOUR sparkles? I just got them from a nice sparkly guy."

"What?" Roy said, startled. What did he look like?"

"Um…Skinny. Green hair. Weird hairdo. Weirder outfit."

"Sports bra and a miniskirt?" Ed asked.

"Yeah, actually. Why?"

"…Great. Well, at least we know where Armstrong's sparkles are."

XxXxXxXxXx

Lust was walking through the homunculus' hideout when she passed Envy. She stopped.

"…Envy, are you sparkling?"

"Mmhmm."

"…I don't get you. At all."

She left. Envy grinned. But his grin faded when he heard a large boom nearby. Then another boom. And another. Each time the booms got louder, until finally Alex Louis Armstrong burst through the wall next to him.

"THE ART OF TAKING MY SPARKLES BACK HAS BEEN PASSED DOWN THE ARMSTRONG FAMILY LINE FOR GENERATIONS!"

And here, my friends, is where the term 'Envy bashing' becomes quite literal.

* * *

**I just loooove picking on poor Envy. : D**

**And yeah Hughes is dead by the time Roy's working in Central. Whatever. **

**Armstrong sure loves the caps lock…**


	14. Elroy

**Elroy**

He didn't know how, but he'd been suckered into doing paperwork.

Edward Elric sighed and finished one page, only to start another.

This was torture. No wonder Roy complained about it so often. He almost felt sorry for him.

Almost.

"How are you doing over there, Ed?" Roy asked.

Ed responded with a gesture most would consider inappropriate for someone his age.

And then he looked back down at the paper.

And stopped.

Printed on the sheet was the name of a certain Colonel.

Only, at the same time, it wasn't.

But…could it be?

And then Ed was laughing, harder than he had in a long time.

It was a while before Roy finally asked the obvious question.

"Er…what's so funny?"

"Your name…is Elroy?"

The color drained from Roy's face. "Where does it say that?"

"Oh man, it _is_! Your name is _Elroy_!"

"It is not!"

"If it wasn't, you wouldn't care! You've got to be kidding me! Elroy!"

"Shhh! Stop saying that!"

Ed sobered up slightly then, and looked at Roy seriously. "Oh, I understand, Colonel. You wouldn't want the whole office to know your name is _Elroy_. Especially not Riza, right?"

"Ed…"

"Don't worry, your secret's safe with me."

Roy looked hopeful. "Really?"

Ed laughed. "Hell no, Elroy."

And with that, Ed was gone.

* * *

**Nothing really to say here, other than I'm back. Poor Elroy. **


	15. Armstrong's Missing Sparkles, Part Two

**Armstrong's sparkles get stolen…again.**

"SOMEONE HAS STOLEN MY SPARKLES AGAIN!"

Sitting in Roy Mustang's office, Roy, Riza, Ed, Al, and Maes all looked at the figure in the doorway and groaned.

"How do you keep letting this happen, Armstrong?" Roy asked. "Is it that hard to keep track of the floating specks that surround you?"

"I swear, if this becomes a habit…" Ed grumbled.

"Are you sure you didn't just misplace them?" Riza asked.

"Aw, now, Riza, let's be serious, here," Maes cut in.

"I NEED MY SPARKLES BACK!"

"Ok, everybody calm down," Roy said. "This isn't a big deal. It won't take long to get them back. We all know who stole the sparkles last time."

...

They caught Envy in the street and pulled him aside.

"You would've thought you'd learn your lesson, Envy," Ed said. "I don't know why you'd want them in the first place, but if you insist on having them…get your own from somewhere."

"…What are you talking about?"

"YOU HAVE STOLEN MY SPARKLES FOR A SECOND TIME!"

"What?" Envy looked genuinely confused. "Whoa, no I didn't. I'd prefer _not _to get beat up for fairy dust, thank you."

"Prove it, then." Roy said. Envy struck a pose. Everyone leaned in. Sure enough, nothing.

"Huh," Maes said. "Guess we were wrong."

"I don't think his pose was manly enough for the sparkles."

"Oh, give it up, Ed. But…If Envy didn't take the sparkles…who did?"

...

Far away, in a weird little town called Forks, a boy named Edward Cullen was admiring himself in the mirror.

"Hehe…sparkles…oh, I dazzle myself."

* * *

**Envy Bashing is SO two chapters ago. It's all about the Cullen bashing now. :D**

**Short and silly, but I had to make a twilight joke. You know you've been thinking it. xD**


	16. Ed Discovers Chocolate Milk

**Ed Discovers Chocolate Milk**

Winry Rockbell walked into her house with purpose, went over to where Edward Elric was sitting on the sofa, and slammed a grocery bag down on the table.

"I have something I want you to try."

Ed looked up at her, annoyed. "What are you talking about?"

She smirked and took a carton of milk out of the bag. Ed started to stand up. "Oh, no-"

"Just…wait."

And she pulled a bottle of chocolate syrup from the bag. Walking to the kitchen, she got a glass and a spoon, then walked back over Ed. She poured some milk in the glass, added the syrup, and stirred it around. Then she held the glass out for Ed.

"Drink it."

"Wha…No way!"

"Come on. I bet you'll like it."

"_It's still milk!"_

"_Drink it, Elric!"_

Ed sighed and snatched the glass away from her. Muttering to himself, he took a tiny sip.

And stopped.

What the.

He took another sip, this time a bigger one.

The next sip was really more of a gulp.

The glass was empty within seconds.

As he finished, he looked over to see Winry smirking at him.

"…Hah."

"…This doesn't change anything, Winry."


End file.
